I am having an out of money experience.
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.