I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
If looks could kill
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”