I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
The glockness monster
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]