“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?