I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that