I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
You got this…
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.