@70Ceeks: honey it's not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

@Real_Dick_Head: Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

@KateWhineHall: Really, there's no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.