@sarcasm_inc: *at a loud house party* Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

@HomeProbably: Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

@Cheeseboy22: Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@fuglylife: A poem about bugs: If it can fly, it should die.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [commercial for soup] NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?