Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Owl Sanctuary
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.