3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
You Might Also Like
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.