I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts