I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
We all have our pet causes.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.