I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”