when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.