I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Still a very good boi….
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect