I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with