me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.