If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.