@fatherofcomedy: I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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@bridger_w: If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
@SherifLSharkawy: Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
@3sunzzz: Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I'll be your Uber driver. Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask? Me: We'll be making one quick stop.
@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang] LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart ME: oh i am LEADER: prove it ME: *names every street in city* LEADER: holy shit