I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A double negative is a big no-no.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.