I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
stop
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.