@WowYoureFunny: I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
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@leahloveslovely: Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex
@TheBigBatman: During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it's like for a man to have the flu.
@pplwtching: Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"