@WowYoureFunny: I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.
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@withanewname: Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.
@Molly_Kats: The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.
@ojedge: [1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold" Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"