[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Art by Pastelkatto
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Doctors texting each other.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell