New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
best first i’ve ever seen
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.