I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You Might Also Like
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.