I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Haha! 😂
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar