I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.