@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*

@TheHomieJesus: If Europe uses euros shouldn't Africa use Afros?

@Mikecanrant: When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.

@MakesYouGiggle: Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush.... and other days... I take my medication.

@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...