@ninjadinosaur1: I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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@geowizzacist: (Me playing guitar) 3: Daddy what's this song called? Me: Going Nowhere. 3: I know that but what's this song called? Burned by a 3yo.
@StellaRtwot: When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.