I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Worth the read.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.