I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?