I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.