I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?