I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
You Might Also Like
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Jurassic park gets weird
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.