I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
also my go-to takeaway order
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
This salad tastes like I鈥檒l be eating spaghetti at midnight. 馃槖
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it鈥檚 no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?