I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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even bears disappoint their mothers
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”