@Robert_Beau: I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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@Fred_Delicious: [sees some cut grass] "Nice" [sees some ripped leaves] "oh yea" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] "holy shit"
@SteveSuckington: What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
@jwoodham: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
@Travon: Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"