I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.