@Robert_Beau: I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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@bourgeoisalien: Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.
@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@TheAlexNevil: 4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.
@kcmoore51: Me: I made you a playlist... Her: OMG! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Me: It only has songs about food.