I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Merica.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
i love meeting boys on tinder
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Labreador
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.