@CarpentersCrack: I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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@pizza_dragon: Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.
@iwearaonesie: a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with 'her'
@Thynebear: If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn't even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
@junejuly12: [Coffee line] *Sees cute barista* *Twirls hair* No whipped cream please *Sees his backward sunglasses* *Drops hand* Never mind. Load it up.