I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks