@CarpentersCrack: I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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@KalvinMacleod: My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
@IvoryGazelle: [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
@RickAaron: I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.