I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.