The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Mornin
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was