I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!