I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You Might Also Like
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*puts my mental health in rice
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?