I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“and you are November’s PM yes?”