Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
You Might Also Like
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.