I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
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ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?