I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2