I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I will never stop laughing at this
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions