@chrissyteigen: I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn't even that far away
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@prodigalsam: "I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
@WilliamRodgers: I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours... I always said I'd retire from comedy if I hadn't "made it" by 30. ...So I've got like 4 hours left
@TheToddWilliams: [back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!