Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour