When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.