@Quartzjixler: I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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@Marlebean: I should have used more oils to get this off easier.. I'm trying to jerk it off but it won't come. Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
@thenatewolf: *First day as an exorcist* ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it...