@lucascomedian: I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
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@jeremysmiles: So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
@AndyAsAdjective: gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says "MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU'RE KID" just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
@velweb: 12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?