@lucascomedian: I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
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@TheCiscoKidder: My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
@WilliamRodgers: So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...
@KentWGraham: There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
@InternetHippo: [i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"