@lucascomedian: I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
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@noduffers: If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
@panmidwest: [Father's Day] ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well... DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
@SirFlushaLot: I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn't put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes