I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”