I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”